A list is an easy way to say I hate you: The worst of 2009

You know what I love best about the end of the year?  All those lists recounting or celebrating the top-whatever things that happened in a particular year.  Vh1 usually has a lot of lists and not just at the end of the year.  People has their most beautiful and sexiest men alive lists.  Time has their Person of the Year and all the other people (usually men with a woman or two thrown in for posterity’s sake) who have done something memorable.

Lists are easy ways to organize thoughts without having to write a layered and intelligent story.  You can compile it quickly, throw it together, and say something witty.  I think this is how I’ll present to you the 2009 People of the Year Who Made Me Shout Obscenties at the Television.

1.  Sarah Palin Going Rogue.  Easy and obvious, I know.  I don’t care if she’s a conservative Republican.  I don’t care that she’s  narcissistic and overly-ambitious considering her limited talents.  What makes me puke in my mouth is this whole going rogue thing.  Um, being a rogue is not a good thing.  We have rogue nations like the axis-of-evil Iran and North Korea.  Palin wants to bomb these places, yet she emulates them.  If Palin wants to be a rogue and thinks that 2012 is a good year to run for president, I’m not moving to Canada.  I’m moving to another planet.

2.  Birthers/Teabaggers/Anti-Healthcare Reform Townhall shouters  Come to think of it, I could have created three seperate entries for these patriotic Americans who want to save the country from illegal immigrants, socialism, and black people but they all come together for the same silly press conferences.

3.  Glenn Beck  I’m waiting for the day when he transitions from crying and spinning wonderful little conspiracy theories to throwing his feces on live television.

4.  Michele Bachmann  Proudly serving the 6th district of Minnesota and unabashedly saying stupid, irresponsible, and untrue things.  I bet the 6th district is proud.  Thanks to Bachmann, I never hear a peep from Ann Coulter.

5.  Joe Wilson  Nobody knew the Congressman from South Carolina until he had an outburst during President Obama’s address to Congress that made four year-olds everywhere seem mature.  And the fact that people (birthers/teabaggers/anti-healthcare reform proponents) were inspired by his childish cry of “You Lie!” makes me long for an exit strategy to the moon.

6. The News Media  I generally think blaming the media for society’s ills is lazy and incorrect because there are so many forces at work collaborating to destroy society; however, I think the news media is to blame for the five above.  Giving these people a forum only stokes their flames.  If you ignore them they will go away even if it is kinda fun to cover them.

7.  Centrist Democrats  2009 has been a wonderful year for me to feel nonpartisan anger.  Whether you are vulnerable in your Republican-leaning state or owned by health insurance companies, you really make me feel the consternation that many other people feel when it comes to politics.  A large part of me hopes all of you lose your Senate seats in 2010.  But then again, it won’t really matter because you all have jobs lined up lobbying for Pharmaceutical companies.

8.  Joe Lieberman First of all, people think we are related even though our last names are spelled differently.  True story.  And I really don’t get you and I think it’s time you just go over to the Republicans.  Do it.  Go.  Leave.

9.  Reality Show Freaks  This one’s dedicated to the Hennes, the Salahis, and the Gosselins.  You may give us all something to talk about but nobody likes you.

10.  The Economy I know, not a person.  But it has a life of its own and one that seems to be destroying mine making it harder for me to get a job or own a home or feel secure in my bed at night. 

Bonus:  11.  People who are against gay marriage rights  There is no argument in this world that can convince me that it’s correct to deny consenting adults the right to have a committed relationship with the people they love.  Mind your own business, nobody will force you to have anal sex with your interior decorator.  This country could only get better if there was more love to go around. If you want to save the state of hetero marriage outlaw divorce and destroy all of Carrie Prejean’s masturbation-how-to videos.

And there you have it:  my worst of 2009 list.  Let’s hope for the best in 2010