So, Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. Yet again, People has failed to consult me on their Sexiest Man Alive cover.  Nobody ever asks me for my opinion. Every four years my opinion is ignored by election pollsters and every year, People Magazine goes ahead and puts some celebrity guy on their cover, that I have never, ever imagined on top of me, underneath me, or wherever else the night takes us. Whenever People announces the new Sexiest Man Alive, I always wonder why I never find the Sexiest Man Alive sexy. Sure, they’re good looking, successful, and rich. These are things that women are supposed to want, but how did those things become sexy? And why is it that when I think about what I want the first things that top the list are funny, sarcastic, hilarious, kind, and really, really smart? Good looking is somewhere in the middle, successful is nice but a relative term, and rich is not that important to me because I want to make my own money.Â
I think Matt Damon is boring.  I think he’s almost as boring as Brad Pitt. Damon makes conventional movies about conventional things–you know, big box office stuff. The last Matt Damon movie I saw, The Good Shepherd, made me restless after the first hour. I don’t think he’s even interesting to look at. I think he lacks personality. American women seem to idolize these things because American women are supposed to be boring, conventional, and devoid of personality. If a woman possesses anything outside of the Jessica Alba realm, Maxim magazine classifies her in the top UnSexiest Women in Hollywood. If a woman is not as boring as Matt Damon, old Republican ladies at fundraisers ask John McCain (who has loads of character and personality) how to “beat the bitch”. But, I digress. This is not about politics or the mistreatment of women in media and culture. This is about People Magazine and their conventional standards of male-sexiness and how I’m not buying it.
So who is sexy to me? I think it’s Seth Rogen. You know, the overweight, curly-haired Canadian who starred in Knocked Up and the Forty Year-Old Virgin. He’s sexy. He’s sexy because he looks like the type of guy I would end up dating and would be very happy with for the rest of my life. I’m serious. First of all, I could actually be myself around him instead of knowing that if Matt Damon hit on me it would probably happen because of some bet he concocted with Brad Pitt and George Clooney a la She’s All That. Yeah, I would be the butt of their joke. Moreover, Seth Rogen’s sarcastic, dry sense of humor means that we would most certainly laugh at the same things. My number one requirement is laughter. I think it was the actress Joanne Woodward (and wife of Paul Newman) who said, “sexiness wears thin after awhile and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah now, that’s a real treat.” Sexy should be so much more than a great smile, or muscles, or perfect hair, perfect teeth, and big action movies. Maybe People and Maxim shouldn’t decide what’s sexy. Sexy is too ephemeral. In real life, the sexiest guy I know doesn’t think he’s sexy and I don’t think anyone would classify him as sexy, but why do I think he’s sexy? Well, he made me feel sexy, and isn’t that what we really want?
