Fast Times in Junior High

How long has the lead been in the Mattel toys?  Something is turning 12 year-old boys into lotharios.  I do not want the anti-kiddie perv forces of Dateline setting up sting operations outside my apartment, so I’ll qualify that last sentence.  I saw a very precocious 12 year-old boy wearing a t-shirt bearing the absolutely adorable phrase:  “Rock her with the Shocker”.  I’ve seen that t-shirt before sold on T-Shirthell.com, presumably for adult males–probably the same ones who want to eat me out for an hour– but I never thought I’d see a bad-ass pre-adolescent with spiky hair and dog-collar sporting it at Dunkin’ Donuts.

I’m going to make the assumption that people know the anatomically correct definition of shocker, so I’m not going to thrill anyone with a description.  Besides, the kids already know.  Pubescent males are rocking the world with it.

I was not cool in Junior high.  I did not know about the shockers.   So I’m wondering, what exactly did I miss out on while I was locked in my room feeling sorry for myself because the girls who I thought were my friends one day wouldn’t talk to me the next?  Are today’s middle-school girls getting more action than this miserable 27 year-old grad student?  I’m still so not cool.  I want a sixth grade do-over.  I bet it’s more fun than dating a PhD student.

Of course, sixth graders should not be wearing t-shirts with sexy stuff that doctoral candidates aren’t even doing, as a friend of mine pointed out when she wondered how that kid got out of his house wearing that shirt (I’m wondering if his parents’ credit card bought him the shirt).  I’m thinking he got out of his house like that with the same defiant smirk he flashed when he saw me, mouth agape, staring at his shirt.  Snotty little shithead.  Perhaps these brats aren’t getting enough lead in their toys.  Oh wait, that was mean.  I should be telling this kid to hold on to his childhood for as long as he can before he turns into a disgruntled twentysomething regretting most of his life decisions.  He should save the shockers for a meaningful relationship or something like that.  And, gentlemen don’t reveal their moves on t-shirts–it’s not a shocker if she’s expecting it.

So, sweetie, darling, little child, rock and shock somebody with your mad Nintendo Wii skills instead.  Save the rocking and shocking until you’ve stopped using your fingers to pick your nose and you’ve experienced at least one wet dream.