Barbie, math sure gets me hard

According to mathematicians, men brag about the number of women they’ve slept with.  This was a total shock to me when I read the recent New York Times story about how men report they’ve had sex with many more partners than women report (“The Myth, the Math, the Sex” August 12, 2007).  My biological instinct is to believe that–boys sure do love to love–but mathematicians say this is mathematically impossible.  Who are the women?  Prostitutes were not included in the studies–but still, statistically the numbers should be almost even.  Could it really be, as the Beachboys sang, two girls for every boy?  No.  Women are faking it.

Boys may brag, but girls can bluff.  I hate to give away secrets, especially the ones that have served me so well, but the whole biological/evolutionary story about women needing fewer partners for the well-being of their children is not the whole story.  Several young ladies I know aren’t looking for the father of their children, much less a steady boyfriend.  I think women are underreporting the number of their partners the same way we fake orgasms as soon as we decide he isn’t going to be the father of our children.

This is the principle that all good girls learn at a very early age:  we have to be good girls or else we get called sluts and then that story spreads like gonnorrhea all around highschool.  Nobody wants to die with Beloved Wife, Mother, and Slut on her epitaph.  So when the government calls us to participate in a study about the number of sexual partners we’ve had we lie just like the beloved wives, mothers, and bluffers that we are.  It’s just like when a boy you really, really like (almost enough to have babies with) asks, “how many people have you slept with?” and you want him to feel special and manly, so you lower the number a bit.  Also, while I’m on the subject, that’s a rude question.  I would never ask you that because I don’t want to know how many people you’ve slept with.  I want to keep liking you.

I know the whole Virgin/Whore dichotomy is as old as dirty sex.  I’m not the first to write about it or think about it or well, act both parts, but women really are stuck in a double bind and I think we should break out of it and own up to it.  I know that ladies must never, ever, reveal their secrets, but I love to spread rumors–especially when they are true.  Moreover, this is in the interest of science!  Let’s give the conservatives in government another ulcer knowing that America’s defenders of purity are also sexual superstars.  Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson are not unique.  And, considering that many more of us are delaying marriage until our thirties, we can not just assume that vibrators are doing all the work.

I apologize for letting the womanly dark arts become public knowledge, but I’m just trying to keep all of us honest.  It’s for the sake of our future children.